


Jarlaxle never learns

by Archangel06



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: M/M, mentions of angst, non graphic medical procedure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:41:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23593255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archangel06/pseuds/Archangel06
Summary: Jarlaxle is extremely adventurous when it comes to the bedroom. sometimes, these magical adventures land him and Artemis in front of a very unimpressed cleric of Eilistraee.
Relationships: Jarlaxle Baenre & Artemis Entreri
Kudos: 8





	Jarlaxle never learns

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Loveable Idiots: Snippet Collection](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16494092) by [AmanitaVirosa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmanitaVirosa/pseuds/AmanitaVirosa). 



> This work was inspired by Loveable Idiots: Snippet Collection, Chapter 27: Ring written by AmanitaVirosa.  
> since I do have a drow cleric of Eilistraee that I played, I thought that he would be the perfect cleric to save Artemis and Jarlaxle from further embarrassment xD

“ _Again_ , Jarlaxle? Do you _never_ learn?”

Velthur shot a scathing look at the other drow, who had at least the decency to appear ashamed. The tone he used made it very clear where he thought the blame laid, and it wasn’t with the human.

“It’s not that!” said Jarlaxle defensively. “We have learned that at least, always use stuff with a flared base. This time ah… it’s… ah… a ring…”

Velthur closed his eyes, breathed deeply. “Eilistraee, give me patience because if you give me strength, I’ll commit a massacre!” he growled through gritted teeth. Jarlaxle had heard that prayer uttered in more than one occasion. “I can imagine where you put that ring. And since you are here, you can’t remove it, right?”

Jarlaxle nodded, sheepishly. “There is… ah… another detail…”

Velthur shot a murderous glance at the other drow. “I highly suggest you put aside embarrassment, Jarlaxle. If it is what I think it is, and _of course_ it is because let’s be honest, why wouldn’t it, we need to act quickly. The ring right now is restricting the blood flow to the shaft, and if I don’t remove it, poor Artemis here risks permanent damage if not outright amputation. And spells of regeneration are not cheap.”

Artemis, who hadn’t said a word until now, spoke up in a very cross tone. “It’s a Ring of Stoneskin” he said, curtly.

Again, Velthur sighed deeply.

“Very well. Now that I know what the problem is, Artemis, please do sit on the bed. And remove your pants.” The change in tone was strident: it was neutral and polite, with no trace of judgement, no trace of anger.

The assassin obeyed. Velthur observed him with the corner of his eye as he opened his bag: the assassin looked even more skittish and nervous than usual, but well, who wouldn’t be, with a Ring of Stoneskin stuck on their penis? Shaking his head, the cleric fished the leather roll that contained his surgical tools, and his favourite pair of gloves. They were made of very special spider silk, and they had cost him a pretty penny.

He put everything on the desk, and opened the roll, showing an impressive (and rather terrifying) array of saws, pliers, scalpels, scissors, cutters, tweezers, wires, threads, needles, forceps and syringes, all absolutely immaculate and gleaming.

“There are safer alternatives to magic rings” he said in a neutral tone. “Goat’s eyelids are easy to find. If you want more exotic materials, you can use a ring fashioned with the sap of the gum tree. Never keep it for more than thirty minutes, and immediately remove it if you feel pain or discomfort. As long as you can cut it quickly, it’s safer than a metal ring. Artemis, please don’t let him ever convince you to do something this stupid again. You are an intelligent man, and you can say no.” If Artemis could grow any redder, he would probably combust.

He donned his gloves in a very business-like manner, and went to examine the patient. He accommodated his dark robe as he kneeled in front of Artemis, who was, poor chap, as red as a beetroot.

“Mmmh” he muttered to himself. “The blood flow doesn’t seem compromised yet- there’s that, at least.” He rose again, and went to the desk, scrutinizing the array of surgical tools at his disposal. Carefully, he selected a pair of cutters: not the smallest he had, unfortunately.

“Is… is that really necessary?” asked Artemis, nervously as Velthur snapped the cutters a pair of times to test them.

“Well, it’s either this, or a spell of Antimagic Field, which I have not the ability to cast. You’d have to find a wizard to do that” shrugged the drow cleric. “It might hurt a bit- I will have to cut twice.” Velthur looked at him with a thoughtful look. “With another patient I wouldn’t even ask, I’d just do it- but do you want anaesthesia? I can use a Sleep Spell on you. It will knock you out for a literal minute, and it will all be done by the time you wake up…”

Artemis was shaking his head before Velthur had even finished talking. “No.”

“But _abbil_ …” said Jarlaxle, hesitantly “it would be better…”

“ _No_.”

Velthur didn’t insist further. He knew that the assassin would never accept to be made more vulnerable than strictly necessary. “Suit yourself then. But I need you to stay completely still. I might nick you with the cutters if you move.”

Arthemis nodded. His hands grabbed the blankets, gripping so tightly that his knuckles became even whiter than before.

The cleric went quickly, but cautiously, to work. He selected the best spot for the first cut, then the second, and in less than one minute the operation was done. The magically reinforced cutters had done their work admirably: Artemis felt the effect of the ring vanishing from his flesh as soon as the first cut had been done.

“All done!” exclaimed Velthur, cheerfully. He showed the two halves of the ring to his patient. “No apparent damage to your jewels, but if you feel any pain or discomfort, please come to me.”

As usual, Artemis bolted from the room as soon as he was decent again, without so much as a thank you.

Velthur looked at the door, thoughtfully. “I think that you are doing him good, Jarlaxle. But do stop with these weird sexual experiments. He needs to know that he can trust you, and ending up with me having to remove things stuck to his genitals or in his anus does not tell him that.”

The mercenary shot Velthur a very suspicious glance. He had a measure of trust in the drow cleric, but nowhere near enough to admit that Artemis was a deeply traumatised individual. Velthur shot back an amused look.

“I am a drow, Jarlaxle. I grew in the drow society, as you did, and I also have been a healer for more than thirty years. It’s not a long time by our standards” he admitted judiciously “but it’s something. I didn’t suffer as much as others did, but I know what suffering looks like.”

“Can you help him?” Jarlaxle’s voice was weirdly controlled, as if divided between incredulity and hope. Velthur didn’t answer immediately.

“I _might_ ” he said, slowly. “I just might. Maybe. _If_ he wants me to help. _If_ he wants to be helped to begin with. _If_ he thinks he needs help. _If_ he wants to heal. The wounds of the soul are much trickier than the wounds of the body. They never seem to heal completely.”

“That… that’s a lot of ifs.”

“Indeed.” The cleric removed his gloves. He went to the desk, grabbed a small piece of parchment and a quill, and scribbled something. “Go to a pharmacist and have this compounded. Have Artemis take it for three days, morning and evening- it’s a medicine that protects and repairs the blood vessels.”

In silence, Jarlaxle took the parchment from the cleric’s hand, and put a _very_ heavy pouch in its place.

Well, thought Jarlaxle as the cleric made his exit with a swish of dark robes, Velthur had not forbidden the use of cock rings. He only had suggested that they limit themselves to safe ones. He could certainly work something out.

Inspired by: Loveable Idiots: Snippet Collection, Chapter 27: Ring written by AmanitaVirosa


End file.
